#BellLetsTalk is this week here in Canada, and this event, which brings awareness and raises funds for mental health initiatives in Canada, was what first got me talking about my husband’s struggle with depression and anxiety (you can read my previous blog posts here and here).
Since opening up about how we deal with mental health in our marriage, I have received letters from people around the world (and from friends close to home), opening up about their struggle either with depression personally, or with their struggle in coping with their partner’s mental illness.
When you are the partner of someone with a mental illness, there is often a lot on your plate. You might be the recipient of a lot of negativity. You might be the person fielding questions you don’t know how to answer. And if you are a mom, you are the glue holding everything together for your kids.
It is easy to feel so alone and like no one understands what you are going through- and the truth is, it is a really hard thing to understand unless you have been there.
So this year in honour of #BellLetsTalk, I’ve recorded a video on my YouTube channel on the questions I get asked most frequently on how I cope with my husband’s depression and anxiety. To watch it, click here or click on the video below.
Here are the top strategies that have helped us to cope with mental illness in our marriage:
1. REDUCE STRESS IN THE HOME
You might be thinking, Lisa, you have 6 little kids- how on earth do you reduce stress at home?!?! So of course, there are certain things I cannot control, like the noise or mess that my wonderful little people make. But I do control things that add to stress in our home, like how busy our schedule is, and how often / late I work. I found providing as much predictable stability as possible in our home life, especially in regards to our schedule, played a huge impact in coping with mental illness.
2. WE DON’T MAKE PLANS TOO FAR IN ADVANCE
This one might sound a bit funny to the outsider, but it very much is tied to the first point above. We don’t commit to things too far in advance simply so that we have the flexibility to stay home if we need a quiet evening in. It does not mean we don’t plan ever (we book holidays in advance, doctor’s appointments, etc), but where social engagements are concerned, we simply prefer to be more flexible. We sometimes book visits with friends as short as the day of, and this has helped to eliminate unnecessary pressure in our home, which has proved to be so helpful for us.
3. I HAVE LEARNED TO LET GO OF CONTROL
This is a really tough one for me. I REALLY LIKE TO PLAN! And in the beginning, having to cancel plans because my husband was too anxious or overwhelmed to go out, was very difficult for me. But I have learned over the years, that being more flexible helped EVERYONE. Conflicts over what time we go to church, or preferences in how the dishwasher is loaded, used to bring about a great deal of stress. And now, I work hard to simply be more flexible with this stuff- and it has really helped us cope. It doesn’t mean I never express my preferences or become a “sacrificial lamb” so to speak- but not sweating the small stuff and being more flexible in thought and action have proved to help things immensely.
4. BE KIND RATHER THAN CORRECT
When I did not understand mental illness in the beginning, I really thought it was something that could be “corrected” or “fixed” rather quickly. I have learned that this is simply not the case. Depression and anxiety is an ongoing illness that needs to be managed, by a combination of good lifestyle choices, medical professionals, and sometimes medication. In the past, I used to use phrases like “can you just make up your mind” or “can you keep up” or “just snap out of it” or “just relax!” But again, I learned that these don’t really work very well. What I find helps us both to cope in periods of anxiety and depression, are empathetic phrases like, “that must be really difficult,” or “wow, that must be really hard.” Of course, this is easier to type than to say sometimes in the moment, but experience has shown me it really is a more effective approach and helps us cope and thrive.
5. GO ON DATES
Going on regular dates in an essential part of how we cope with mental illness in our marriage. I find it’s like medication in a way, and when we don’t do it regularly, we feel the absence of it. It might seem like an impossible task to add to the list, especially when it feels like you are juggling so many things already, but trust me when I say it is so important. The depressed person can sometimes tell themselves a viciously negative story: “it would be easier on everyone if I wasn’t around, I should just leave to make everyone else’s lives easier, I am such a burden to everyone I love.” I so badly want my husband to understand how UNTRUE this is when this story gets in his head. Having regular date nights I have found helps this narrative not speak so loud!
6. GET AND ACCEPT HELP YOURSELF
When you are carrying the heavy load of supporting your spouse, and it feels like too much to handle on your own, get your own help. There are loads of ways to support your own mental health. For me personally, I turn to prayer, non-judgemental friends who just listen and don’t try to fix anything, and the support of professional counselors and therapists as necessary.
Accept help when it is offered- if someone offers to babysit, or cook a meal for you, take it.
Finally, if you would prefer to speak to someone anonymously and just vent emotions you have that you might not share with someone you know personally, there are 24/7 distress lines available by region (here are the ones in the Greater Toronto Area). One day I was so overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, resentful and melancholic, that I spent a good 45 minutes with a very kind and compassionate woman on the Toronto Distress Line and boy did it help me cope.
Finally, and I hope this really comes across in my YouTube video, what I wish everyone knew about mental illness and marriage, is that there is SO MUCH HOPE. You CAN live with depression and anxiety and have a healthy marriage, fulfilling work life, and joy-filled existence. It took us about three years to figure out strategies that work, and we are learning every day, but now we live on the other side of coping with mental illness. We have climbed out of the trench, seen the light, and when we fall back into the trenches again, we have the experience of knowing we have survived a bad experience in the past, and will survive it again.
To learn more about how you can participate in #BellLetsTalk, click here. And to read our full story on how depression has impacted our marriage, click here.
I have developed a free resource that I hope will help any spouse supporting a person with mental illness. Just enter your email below to get my “Positive Self Talk Guide for Spouses of Persons with Mental Illness”
When I met depression first hand in my husband for the first time in 2012, I did not think it was a gift. We had 2 small kids, I was pregnant with our third, money was incredibly tight, I was hustling like crazy to build my business. And then depression hit. And it hit like a Mack truck.
I hated depression. I hated that it made my husband look at himself in such an ugly manner. I hated that someone I loved so much, felt so unlovable. I hated that depression made it exceedingly difficult for my husband to get out of bed for days at a time, unable to enjoy anything. I hated that depression reduced a happy go lucky, positive man who loved family life so abundantly, to a shell of a former person who could barely smile. Along with hating depression I was angry with God, I was angry with other people who meant well but said things that felt judgmental and insensitive. They felt like salt on open wounds and I was angry that I could not do a single thing to make it go away quickly. I was terrified and felt completely alone.
But we prevailed- and as I shared in a previous post on the topic of supporting a spouse who has mental illness, I now embrace depression. It doesn't define us, it has not beaten us, and while it was incredibly difficult to get to this point, I now see it as a gift. Here are a few reasons why:
1. It has made our marriage stronger and more authentic
If you've been reading along, you know I'm on a real authenticity kick. It's really easy to put pretty things out into the world, create beautiful rooms, write great articles and count the hearts, the likes, the re-tweets etc., and feel applauded. But feeling loved, for the real you, the one behind the lens and the filters is a whole other exercise. Let me tell you, when depression is active there aint no pretty filter. It's raw, and it's gross, for both partners in the relationship. We cried many times together in sheer desperation. But we also revealed more about each other through the tears- the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful- and I truly feel as a result I know Josh's authentic self pretty transparently, and he knows mine. And that is beautiful. And while I am not arguing that it needs to take a challenging situation like depression to reveal deep parts of ourselves to our spouses, a great gift out of our experience with depression both during and after, is that we both wrung ourselves completely out and loved each other back with full force.
2. I trust in God's grace more
I have been thinking a lot lately about "hustle" and how it is celebrated so much today, almost as the recipe for success. Well let me tell you, you cannot hustle your way out of depression. Living through depression is like walking in sticky tar. It's not a fast journey in my experience and requires a lot of work to clean up after you're done. So while we were knee deep in the muck, there was a lot of relying on God's grace to pull us through. There were definitely times when I did not know He was there- but I can unequivocally say that it is with His grace that we prevailed as we have- cause grace does what hustling can't.
3. We fight less
Ok, debatably we fight less, depends on which spouse you ask. When depression was at its worst, Josh hurt my feelings a lot. He never meant to, but in the beginning when I didn't understand what happens in the brain and body during depression (ie it is often uncontrollable- not the kind of thing one can "snap out of" or will yourself to get over) I would do things or say things and not get the response I was expecting. Josh was never rude, but it was challenging to me that things I would do, that normally brought him joy like a home cooked meal or a thoughtful gift would be met with disinterest. As a result, I learned to not take things so personally. I love the expression Brené Brown uses in regards to misses in communication: "the story I am telling myself is you don't appreciate me… Or the story I am telling myself is you don't value me…" I did not have this expression back then, but I was exercising the muscle of not taking things so personally- and that has had wonderful ramifications post depression in our rear view. While I am no doormat (ask Josh and he'll tell you!) I definitely am not as quick to take small things so personally. And with 5 kids ages 6 and under, if I took everything personally I would never get out the door of our house!
4. We can help others
When I wrote this post on how to support a spouse suffering from mental illness, more than 5000 unique people from all over the world read it in one day. To date I continue to get emails from all over the world sharing personal stories of their struggles and how our story made them feel less alone. And isn't that the most powerful aspect of the Internet? It allows us to connect with people we might otherwise not have met and journey with them. My journey with my husband's depression is an open book, and I am happy to share the ride if it will help.
5. It has helped me be proactive
I am no mental health expert, but experience has shown me that everyone has various thresholds when it comes to dealing with stress or anxiety. I believe my personal threshold is pretty high- I have Achiever in my Strength Finder strengths so I often persevere through things. My husband's, and I would argue others who battle with anxiety or depression on an ongoing basis have shorter thresholds that are impacted by things like stress, people, the weather, loud environments, etc. Experiencing depression so intimately has shown me what some common triggers are for us, and I have concrete tools to help manage stress in us both. Notably, the most important tool I have to be proactive is how we schedule our time. I aim for lots of margin.
In Canada this Wednesday it's #BellLetsTalk Day, where this media outlet draws tons of attention around mental health in general. Watching some of the documentaries etc. when depression entered my life more personally in 2012 was very comforting. If you're reading this, and you or someone you love suffers from mental illness, and are struggling and cannot see the hope or any light, you are not alone. You do not suffer alone. You will get through the muck. You will arrive on the other side. You will be victorious. You have so much value. You are so incredibly loved.
Something that gave me a ton of hope that I cling to all the time is this verse from Jeremiah (29:11) "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans for your welfare and not for woe, plans for a future full of hope." May we all find a little hope this week.
Today is #BellLetsTalk day, so I'm interrupting a regularly scheduled design post to talk about a topic quite personal to me, and a little vulnerable- mental health.
My husband has for much of his adulthood suffered from anxiety and depression. When we met I almost did not believe him- most people who know him think of him as a very relaxed, happy-go-lucky, gets along with anybody, kind and caring guy.
In 2012, about 5 years into our marriage and 3 small kids under the age of 3 later, depression reared its very ugly head.
There were days when I witnessed my spouse overcome with a grief and sadness that was so uncharacteristic of his personality that it paralyzed him. I witness him unable to get out of bed, unable to enjoy things that normally would have given him joy, unmotivated and just not himself.
And at first, I could not understand it. I wanted to fix it. I desperately, utterly, from the bottom of my core, wanted to take whatever suffering he was encountering off of his shoulders.
The Bell Let's Talk campaign was in its infancy if I am not mistaken when depression entered so loudly into our marriage. I know it helped my husband feel not as isolated, and it helped me to understand a little better what it feels like when you feel so unlike yourself.
Now I have made friends with depression- I say I have made friends with it as it doesn't define me, it doesn't define my spouse and it doesn't define our marriage. It is a challenge, like any other, that we BATTLE together hand-in-hand. I say battle because some days it really feels like a battle- but like all battles, they end. There is always a winner. If I am being really honest there are days that it doesn't feel like we are winning- but I have long LONG term vision lenses on and I am in it for the long haul.
If your spouse or someone very close to you also suffers a mental illness, here are some strategies that have really helped me.
1. LEARN TO SEE THE SIGNS
I consider myself (rightly or wrongly, I am no medical professional), the gatekeeper in a way to monitoring Josh's depression and anxiety. I can see the signs when a low period might be coming in a way he does not. For us, one major trigger is busyness. If we have gone through a season of extreme business, with lots of travel for work, and basically not a lot of margin scheduled in- it's not setting us up for success. Other signs I have read about and experienced include increase or decrease in appetite, too much or too little sleep, and general discontentment with things that otherwise bring joy. Basically, a consistent attitude or mood shift that sticks around for a while.
I think some people on the outside see what appears like a "bad mood" and just suggest, with the best of intentions, the person suffering with a mental health illness just snap out of it. Just go do something fun, just change. I can tell you, from experience, this person really wants to "change" but it's not as simple as flipping a switch.
So as the support system, see the signs, know the signs, and be able to implement a plan for when the signs come.
2. HAVE A PLAN TO DEAL
When I see some triggers starting I try as fast as humanly possible to book some time off for just me and my husband. For us, some time to decompress is a NEED, not a luxury. Other plans that can be helpful are ensuring medical help is available. We are extremely, extremely fortunate, to live in Canada where, while not perfect, great health care is available to us. As the partner, know your spouse's doctor. When depression hits hard, doing something as simple as looking up a phone number can feel overwhelming. So ensure you're in the loop (in a respectful manner of course).
A therapist I met at Platform, Dr. Terry Ledford, says it like this: "depression is like an ugly, mean troll that gets inside the victim’s body and makes him want to do the very things that feed it and make it grow. When a depressed person decreases physical, social and pleasurable activity, his depression worsens." So his advice- starve that troll. Encourage your partner to get out, even just to walk and get the mail, or pick up kids from school. Do something daily to make that wretched wretched troll shrivel up and die from starvation.
It's not easy, and my plan is not elaborate- but it's small things like getting up and out daily that can really help.
3. TRY TO HELP THEM SEE PAST THEIR OWN INACCURATE VIEW OF THEMSELVES
I find this one the hardest. Dr. Terry says it so well: "The most powerful negative perceptual distortion is the victim’s view of himself. The depressed person sees himself as inadequate, unimportant, unlovable and a burden to others. He believes that others would be better off without him. He focuses on his failures and mistakes and dismisses his positive attributes and successes."
This one is hard. This particular one I really, really, struggle with the most. My husband is an INCREDIBLE person. Like, incredible father, incredible friend, even if I wasn't married to him I would think he was amazing. But when depression hits, I really see what Dr. Terry describes. It's like he puts on glasses that are completely distorted. And I want to smash those glasses into a million pieces.
Again I'll let Dr. Terry explain: "To fight depression, the victim must understand that his perceptions are not real. He must not trust his thinking or his feelings. He must remind himself daily that those perceptions are inaccurate. He must listen to and trust supportive friends and family who assert that his negative perceptions are wrong."
So as the partner, learn to realize when your loved ones perceptions are whack. And just surround them with love. Have the kids make him cards. Do sweet things like bake his favourite cake. Remind him he is loved and awesome.
4. TRY AND BE PROACTIVE TO BE PREVENTATIVE
This one is also a bit tricky- as sometimes you can do everything "right" and an unexpected trigger can take your best laid plans and throw them out the window. But I know for us- busyness is a big time trigger, especially in the winter. So here are some tips for being proactive that I think work for us:
Schedule a holiday in the winter. Winter can be really difficult in Canada, for everyone. So we try and book a sunny holiday, just for my husband to enjoy on his own! It has really helped, we usually schedule it in January.
Eat healthy and take vitamins. I have just been introduced to Neurapas, which is a combination of St. John's wart, valerian root and passionfruit herb that is meant to help in creating a healthy, balanced mood. I'm curious to see its impact this year.
Exercise. Again I am no medical professional but the benefits of exercise for everyone are pretty clear.
Schedule MARGIN. I have written ample blog posts in the past on efficiency and productivity to aid in creating margin. It's important for EVERYONE. So schedule it.
5. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOO
This can be tricky too but all the more necessary when you need to be there both physically and emotionally for your spouse. For me, my faith really helps me to see victory in the suffering. I also just fiercely love my spouse, from the very bottom of my core. It truly is an honour to be his wife and I walk this road with him and that is enough motivation for me to battle WITH HIM fiercely.
If you suffer from a mental illness you are not alone. If your partner has a mental illness you are not alone. Keep on talking, keep on walking and starve that troll : )
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